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Reading my old diary

Reading My Old Diary

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“Write simple”, I said to myself.

But its difficult now. Knowing that you’re reading it. Acknowledging that someone right now is reading what I wrote resting on my bed, next to a charging point, sipping through a cup of tea just like every normal evening. I can almost feel you watching through the reflections of the mirror in the room, just like Aberforth watching over Mr. Potter.

Even though I don’t like sharing personal information, I’ve told you enough. And now I feel like you’d know me, know a part of me, know what I’m thinking right now, know what I’m feeling right now. Or maybe you still only know what I want you to know, right?

But its all in my head, I convince myself. That way, I can keep my focus on writing what I want to, share whatever I want to. By imagining that nobody is gonna read it… even though I want you to. And I know you are, aren’t you.. right now? That’s the writer’s dilemma. You want people to read you. You want people to say “You write so good!” and yet you don’t want their acknowledgement and their existence to affect your next writings. Same for me, I like it when people tell me that they read my blogs. And I guess it’s the writer’s skills on how he tackles this dilemma and continues to write..

Me, I’m solving it by temporarily imagining that this is just a piece of writing that’ll go straight to my diary. Yes I keep one. Since June 27th this year.


Just a moment.

That’s a nice song playing in my collection. Let me copy this to my favourites playlist.



Done. I almost always have earphones plugged in. Helps at times. Don’t ask about my taste in music. You wouldn’t like to know, take my word.

Yea, so where was I?

Oh yea. My diary.

My bday gifts
That notebook on the right is my diary.. And I see you have questions about what the rest of the things are? Well, I’m going to write my next story about it :) Just wait till then ;)

Does it actually help keeping a diary? A reminder of all the foolish acts you’ve done this day, or all the good things you’ve dreamed of, all the baby steps you’ve taken towards your infinite goals or write those untitled letters to the people you love who’re probably never gonna read it? Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. Who am I to decide for you, just in case you’re thinking of keeping a diary yourself 😛

I remember I used to keep a diary back in 2010. I know I’m saying it as if it’s been a decade already 😀 haha. I’m not that old yet :p Anyways, I kept writing it till early 2012. In those old single ruled pages, are probably the most important events of my 1 and a half year or two years. Or may I correct myself and say, what I thought to be the most important events.. coz you never know what should’ve mattered more to you, what were those moments yesterday that made you what you are today.. You just think for yourself and decide what’s important and what’s not. What is worth remembering.. and what’s not..

Sometimes you’re right. Yesterday while I was reading my old diary, I did smile, at times, thinking… wondering.. that maybe I got that part of my life right.. and then there are times when you’re just wrong. When you inaccurately prioritise things, events, people, when you miss some important details of your life and realise only years later on what you missed.

It’s like those detective movies where you think the cops are foolish that they missed some obvious important detail that messes up the case.

But that’s life. You make choices you think are correct. And maybe they are correct.. for the moment.. and nobody knows what their future holds, so you won’t know what exactly went wrong until you just know it did.

Now that’s another dilemma.

If you have to choose between a probable happy future or an assured happiness today.. what would you choose?

What’s your answer?

What’s my answer you ask??

Well, I’ll make you wait a bit more. You’re not ready yet.

You know, keeping a diary is good at times. Because you forget things. You forget meeting people. You sometimes forget what they’ve been for you. Heck, you even forget what YOU’ve been back then! And believe me that is funny!

“Every Facebook memory is a reminder of how foolish you were back then 😛 “

While I was skimming through the pages of my old diary, believe me when I say there were pages that I skipped out of utter self-pity 😛 A big facepalm for myself thinking that I actually wrote some of that! That I even thought of it, and to think of it now, I guess the diary I’m writing these days, or these blogs I’m keeping right now, maybe this very story you’re reading now, some years from now I’ll come back to it, read it and say to myself that how awkwardly stupid I was back then! (i.e. today :P)

But that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

There will always be a future-me who’s more sensible than me. Who’ll know more about this world than me. Who’s just gonna be… better.

Now I’ve got to admit that its getting in my head. Knowing that everything I have today, everything I think that is important for me right now, everything that I mention in my diary today, it may all (or most of it 😉 ) be just silly to the future me..

But I know.. that the present I’m living in, what I’m making for myself, however silly it might seem to my future self, I will smile back to it.. Just like I did yesterday going through my old diary entries.

And my current diary, the people that I write about, the incidents of fortune and misfortune that I share to it, everything, however silly it may be, I know it will be worth. Because today, right now.. it is.

Maybe my selfie-expert classmate has got memories simpler and better. “These are all tiny precious moments” he says as he takes selfies on almost every walk he takes with his friends. I’m fortunate to be in some of his selfies :)

Right when I heard one of the best philosophies an engineering student can think of :) ‘Tiny precious moment’ indeed. And that’s the selfie-expert taking a selfie :)

If you’re in college, you’ll know.. That these tiny precious memories are all you’re gonna have some years down the line. See how ‘moments’ became ‘memories’ in 2 sentences? Life is much quicker than that.. You spend a Diwali night lighting diyas, worshipping, burning crackers, enjoying and then you spend the very next morning watching your previous night’s photos 😛 Changing Whatsapp DPs and Facebook statuses and I can’t imagine how ‘loaded’ would Instagram feel that day 😛 … ‘Moment’.. to ‘memory’. :) In just 1 night…

Diwali diya - Charul's Photo
Photo credit: Charul Dhingra :) This is beautiful, isn’t it?

Quick, isn’t it?

Change is the only constant thing in life..

All these characters that I have in my stories, that I have in my life right now, that I mention in my current diary.. some of them near and dear to me, how does it feel to all of a sudden, realise that you’re just bound to be memories to each other.. that probably 2 months is all you have with some of them..

Probably, it is easier for kids that way. Because while their parents move cities for better job opportunities, their immature hearts keep promising each other that there will be a day fortunate enough again in their lives when they’ll be together again.. with their old friends, the house they grew up so far in, the school they sometimes despised going to 😉 and they believe.. that it’s all going to remain the same.. But we ‘adults’, we know that life doesn’t work that way… Yes, all of us (or most of us) are going to be in contact for as long as we can… that some of us are going to keep holding on to each other for a little while longer, probably come back for each other once in a while.. but to we adults, the world has also taught us to look at the big picture… one which probably doesn’t have all the characters of our lives together.

But that’s okay. It’s meant to be that way.. And that day is still far.

Farther than we can assume. Much farther than what we’re expecting, what we’re preparing ourselves for.. and that still comforts me :) The belief that the end is somewhat far.

The characters from my old diary, some of them are still with me, physically far of course, but in contact. And I guess it doesn’t hurt anymore, being far. Guess, I’ve adapted to leaving people very perfectly. That’s a skill you wouldn’t want to acquire, believe me.

And for the characters of my current diary, my today, which probably also contains YOU.. well, I’m not letting them go. Not this easily.. and not anytime soon :)

If you have to choose between a probable happy future or an assured happiness today.. what would you choose?

Probably it doesn’t matter if you choose.

But whatever I choose.. I know my diary will make a record of it..

Mahaveer Verma

I am a tech minded blogger, engineering student, designer, hobbyist, pluviophile and a learner :) Stay connected to this blog to know more about me and my life experiments.

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